If you thought Jimmy Fallon and Seth Meyers playing George Washington and Thomas Jefferson on Weekend Update: Summer Edition were more than enough Thursday night, you were very wrong.
The show saved the best for last when Colin Jost introduced University of Virginia graduate Tina Fey to give her uncensored thoughts about the Charlottesville white supremacist rally that ended in death last weekend.
“I have nothing but fond memories of my time there,” Fey said of UVA. “I graduated a virgin and I still liked it. That’s how good the architecture is down there.”
“So it broke my heart to see these evil forces descend upon Charlottesville,” she continued. “And then our president, Donald John Trump, and I don’t think enough people talk about what a stupid, jackass name that is. Whatever, he gets away with it because he’s gorgeous. Anyway, Donny John comes out and he says that he condemns violence ‘on many sides,’ on many sides, Colin. I’m feeling sick because, you know, I have seen Raiders of the Lost Ark and I wasn’t confused by it. No, Colin, Nazis are always bad, I don’t care what you say.”
When she heard that there might be another “alt-right” rally in Washington Square Park, Fey said, “Part of me hopes these neo-Nazis do try it in New York City and get the ham salad kicked out of them by a bunch of drag queens. Because you know what a drag queen still is? A 6’4″ black man.”
“But, at the same time, I don’t want anymore good people to get hurt,” she added. “I know a lot of us are feeling anxious and asking ourselves, what can I do? I’m just one person, what can I do? I would urge people Saturday, instead of participating in the screaming matches and violence, find a local business you support, maybe a Jewish run bakery or African-American run bakery.” Basically, she just wanted to eat cake.
“The next time when you see a bunch of white boys in polo shirts screaming about taking our country back and you want to scream, it’s not our country, we stole it,” she said with a mouth full of cake. “We stole from the Native Americans. And when they have a peaceful protest at Standing Rock we shoot at them with rubber bullets, we let you chinless turds march the streets with semi-automatic weapons.”
After taking shots at “yard sale Barbie” Ann Coulter and Paul Ryan, who “doesn’t even know how to @ somebody on Twitter,” Fey concluded by encouraging “all good, sane Americans to treat these rallies this weekend like the opening of a thoughtful movie with two female leads. Don’t show up. Let these morons scream into the empty air.”